In November, as part of the joint campaign of AFEW International and AFEW-Ukraine, “16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence,” our team hosted an online interview with Oksana Rats on red flags in relationships among teenagers—identifying warning signs, understanding their underlying causes, and developing strategies for recognizing these issues early on.

Oksana Rats is a practicing psychologist with 17 years of experience in the education sector. Since the onset of the full-scale invasion, she has been actively volunteering at the psychological hub in the Znamianka community, offering support to both locals and internally displaced persons.

In collaboration with the “Return to Life” Charitable Foundation and AFEW-Ukraine, Oksana implements projects that provide social and psychological support for teenagers.

In the interview, we explore the following key topics:

• Differences between toxic relationships in teenagers and adults, highlighting behavioral signs of control and violence.
• Risks for teenagers from key communities, including the impact of discrimination on their ability to seek help.
• Advice on identifying “red flags” in relationships and accessing available support resources.
• The role of parents and educators in preventing violence and the potential for transforming toxic interactions.
• Factors contributing to healthy relationships and how the project positively impacts teenagers.

Question 1:

Ms. Oksana, how do toxic relationships and their signs differ between teenagers and adults? What are the key differences?

Oksana Rats:
It’s essential to distinguish these categories. Adults tend to initiate toxic relationships more often because their manipulations are usually more calculated. They have experience and understand how to exploit a partner’s vulnerabilities.

Teenagers, on the other hand, may unconsciously drive toxic relationships. This behavior often stems from learned patterns in their family or social environment. A child raised in a setting with toxic relationships will likely replicate this experience as they internalize and reproduce what they have observed.

Question 2:

What behavioral signs might indicate future control or abuse in relationships?

The most critical indicator is the violation of rights and freedoms. For instance, restricting communication—where one partner dictates who the other can or cannot talk to—or attempts to control appearance or emotional expressions. Such behaviors are clear red flags for future controlling tendencies.

As for abuse, it often begins subtly. Examples include “playful” belittling, especially in public, pushing, or damaging belongings. In some cases, it escalates to physical actions like slapping or choking. These are breaches of physical boundaries and signals of potential danger.

Question 4:

How can one distinguish a normal conflict in a relationship from concerning signs that may indicate abuse?

The key indicator is impulsiveness and aggressiveness in communication. For instance, if someone prevents the other person from expressing themselves, interrupts constantly, or insists only on their perspective, this is a red flag.

A typical conflict involves mutual respect for differing opinions, refraining from personal insults or offensive language, and aiming to resolve the issue constructively. On the other hand, toxic situations often include generalizations like “You’re all the same” or remarks targeting nationality, gender, or appearance. Such behavior doesn’t help resolve the conflict but deepens it, often signaling an abusive dynamic.

Question 6:

How do discrimination and stigma affect the ability of these individuals to seek help?

It largely depends on individual factors such as self-esteem and social environment. For individuals who had a healthy level of self-esteem before experiencing trauma, it’s often easier to adapt and seek support when guided appropriately.

However, those raised in environments with low self-esteem and dominant, controlling behavior often perceive discrimination as normal. This mindset can deter them from seeking help, as they might believe, “This is just how life is.”

This underscores the critical importance of preventive work. We are already actively addressing these issues in schools, kindergartens, and community organizations to ensure that people understand their rights and freedoms from a young age and feel empowered to ask for help when needed.

Question 7:

What advice would you give to teenagers from key communities for recognizing signs of toxic relationships?

Teenagers should be mindful of the following warning signs:

1. Raised Voice – A demonstratively authoritarian or condescending tone during conversations.
2. Mockery – Sarcastic or demeaning comments, often disguised as “jokes.”
3. Physical Manipulations – Unwanted or inappropriate physical contact or intentional damage to personal belongings.
4. Control and Restrictions – Efforts to dictate who they can talk to or how they should behave.

Teenagers must understand that any violation of their rights or attempts to limit their freedoms is a clear signal of toxicity in a relationship. Recognizing these signs early can help them seek support and establish healthy boundaries.

Question 11:

What key advice would you give to teenagers for building healthy relationships?

I would highlight five key components for building healthy relationships:

1. Emotional Comfort: There should be no fear or constant tension. A healthy relationship should make you feel safe and emotionally at ease.
2. Physical Safety: Ensuring there are no threats to physical well-being. A healthy relationship is free from harm.
3. Social Adaptation: A good relationship encourages expanding your social circle and supports social integration.
4. Professional Development: Healthy relationships should allow space for personal growth through creativity, education, or hobbies.
5. Respect for Personal Identity: A relationship that respects individuality promotes self-confidence and helps you grow.

These five factors help create relationships that are both fulfilling and supportive of personal growth.

Question 12:

What can be done to strengthen a teenager’s self-esteem?

It is essential to remind teenagers that they have rights and freedoms. Any violation of these rights should be seen as a clear signal of danger. To build self-esteem, it is helpful for teenagers to participate in various clubs, activities, or projects. These could include creative, sports, or educational initiatives that allow them to discover new talents and feel valuable in society.

Such activities help adolescents recognize their worth and foster a sense of belonging. By exploring different interests, they can strengthen their identity and gain confidence, ultimately improving their quality of life and reducing the risk of dangerous situations.

These steps may seem simple, but they are crucial in boosting teenagers’ sense of self-worth and helping them build healthy relationships.

This way, fostering healthy relationships and addressing toxic dynamics is crucial for the well-being of adolescents, particularly those in vulnerable communities. Key factors such as emotional comfort, respect for personal boundaries, and creating a supportive environment play a central role in building self-esteem and preventing abuse. Programs and initiatives providing guidance, emotional support, and empowerment are essential in helping young people navigate these challenges. We can help teenagers develop the skills and confidence to form healthy, positive relationships by encouraging open communication, reinforcing self-worth, and offering practical resources.